so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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