i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We got so high we made milksteak
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
