that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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