I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
