The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
