dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
