There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
