remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
