i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
it glows. i had to have it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
