this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
