Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The struggles of a small town man whore