i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
