So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
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I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
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Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Well I just put wine in my tea
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it