I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
