apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
True strength comes from lack of pants
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
