glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
