Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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