two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize