just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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