I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
