Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
