She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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