im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
