I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
