Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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