Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dear god my vagina.
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