MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
