I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
