I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
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The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
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He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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