3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
nutella sex= disaster
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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