i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
