That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
