Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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