I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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