Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
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he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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