I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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