I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
