Is it normal to miss your booty call?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
