I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
