Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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