I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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