Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Who died my cat blue again?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
