Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
