It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
