He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
