the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
