She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
