I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
