great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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