Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
