I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
her vagine was all disorganized.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
