I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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