Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Come share oat with me in your robe
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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