I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize