Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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