I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
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I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.