saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."