Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
35 Of The Funniest Things People Said While Banging
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"