her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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