Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
