Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
