theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
