i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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