I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
